What Causes a Half-moon?
Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student: When you cant get your jeans over your thighs.
Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student: When you cant get your jeans over your thighs.
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. He immediately began paying her court and flattering her. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when, after 30 minutes, he seriously proposed marriage. “Look,” she reacted. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.” “Youre wrong,” the young man replied. “For the past 5 years Ive been working in the bank where your father has his account.”
At a lesson in topography a soldier was asked: “What is farther away, Harrison, the moon or that object on this map?”"That object, naturally.”"What makes you think that?”" Cause we can see the moon any clear night, and we cant see that object even at day time.”
An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to “tan” the squirrels pelt.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys… all on different limbs,… at different levels,… some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full ofsmiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing butassholes.
And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Herman, “Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!”
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well, Grandmas very deaf, so Im writing very loudly.
Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine continental car. She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down. Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. Oh, Gladys, said her friend, youve lost your engine! Never mind dear, said auntie. Ive got a spare one in the trunk.
At which fast food restaurant is a hamburger happiest?
Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips!
At three oclock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone. “Im sorry if I woke you,” said a voice at the other end of the line. “Thats all right,” said the vet, “I had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.”
At the end of camp, Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed.How did your trunk get so neat? she asked her messy daughter.It was easy, said Julie. I just never unpacked!