A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.”Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldnt have crawled up there in the first place!”
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.”Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldnt have crawled up there in the first place!”
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wifes stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; dont be upset. It wont be long.” He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldnt have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, dont cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then well be checking out.” The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, “Ellen, well be through this ch eck out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.” The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldnt help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…” The mother broke in, “My little girls name is Tammy… Im Ellen.”
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldnt find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: “Its not my fault, Mom. I dont have parental vision:”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father…[Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?” “Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” [Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?” “Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!” [Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I dont think so,” replied the man, “but its as close as I want to get.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The bus driver said: “Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen.”In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.”The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.The man sympathized and said: “Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers.”"Youre right,” she said. “I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”"Thats a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
An irate father stormed into the principals office. “I demand to know,” he screamed, “why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination.” “Now, dont get excited,” said the principal. “Well get your Winslows English teacher in here. Im sure she has some explanation.” A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived. “Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final?” demanded the father. “I had no choice,” said the schoolmarm. “He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it.” “Thats no excuse,” shouted the father. “You could have at least given him an A for neatness!”
At dinner, Seth said to his father, “Dad, I got into trouble at school today and its all your fault.”"Hows that?” asked the master of the house.”Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?”"Yeah, I remember.”"Well, a helluva lot aint the right answer.”