A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!”
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. “My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.” “Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I cant see to pour the coffee.” “I cant turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.” “My blood pressure pills make my dizzy.” “I guess thats the price we pay for getting old.” “Well, its not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive.”
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, “You can go home now.”
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.The Customs official says, “Have you got anything to declare?”He thinks a second and he says, “Its a nice-a day!”
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Whos the boss around here?” he asked. “I am.” said the man. “I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?” The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.” “No, no, no, get the brown one.” the mans wife said. “Heres your chicken.” said the farmer.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”
A strained voice called out through the darkenedtheater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?!” Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,”Good, are any of you doctors single and interested ina date with a good, Jewish girl?”
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.”What on earth,” she inquired of the artist standing nearby, “is that?”He smiled condescendingly. “That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.”"Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isnt it?”
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldnt help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “Whats your secret for a long happy life?” “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.” “Thats amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you? “Twenty-six,” he said.
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-u p job on the trash cans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recessions really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.”Look,” he said, “I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didnt have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh no. Weve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Its his turn with the teeth.”
A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in hercabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by seasickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor andheaded for the bathroom. It was not until she collidedwith an elderly gentleman that she realized she didnthave a stitch of clothing on. Horrified, she let out ashriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly.”Dont let it bother you, miss,” he moaned. “Ill neverlive to tell anyone.”
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how hes feeling. “Ive never been better!” he replies. “Ive got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! Whatdo you think about that?”The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whos an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day hes in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.”"So hes in the woods,” the doctor continues, “and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.”"Thats impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man said.”Exactly.”