A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patients room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Cant you see Im sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. Hes my friend, but hes a little crazy. He thinks hes a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, “If hes your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself” Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, “It seems I cant make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patients room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Cant you see Im sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. Hes my friend, but hes a little crazy. He thinks hes a lightbulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2s face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, “If hes your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself” Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First Im a teepee; then Im a wigwam; then Im a teepee; then Im a wigwam. Its driving me crazy. Whats wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “Its very simple. Youre two tents.”
guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, “It seems I cant make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed.Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why dont we take some time right now to hear each other out?”The other three agreed.The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”The third followed with, “Im involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know Im not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I cant kee p a secret…”
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenters level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”The man cant help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose Id just look at my watch.”
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed. “Doc, youve got to help me. I cant go on like this.”"Whats the problem?” the docotor inquired.”Well, Im 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week youll have women buzzing all around you.”The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.”It worked alright. For the past several weeks Ive e njoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”"So, whats your problem?” “I dont have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
A man who thinks hes George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, well cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.” As soon as hes gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans.”
A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, “How it went?”. She replied, “Fine, but Ive never seen so many Freudians slips.”
A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: “Thats his problem.”
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.”He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny.”He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your childs name is Brandy.”At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on sweety, lets go home.”
A woman entered a psychiatrists consulting room leadind a kangaroo.”Im worried about my husband, doctor, ” she said. “He keeps thinking hes a kangaroo! ”
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “Its gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”"I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”"For Gods sake, NO!” exclaimed the woman. “I want you to fix it so I wont feel guilty and depressed afterward.”