A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boys nervousness builds.He remembers his fathers advice, and chooses the first topic.He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his fathers suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his fathers advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a br other, would he like spinach?”
A bum asks a man for $2.The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”The bum said, “No.”The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”The bum said, “No.”Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife cansee what happens to a man who doesnt drink or gamble?”
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to thedoctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me thefirst time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctorreplied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and saysomething to her. If she doesnt reply move about 5 feet close and say itagain. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of herdeafness”.Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. Hestarts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is choppingsome vegetables and says, “Honey, whats for dinner?” He hears no response.He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feetcloser. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, aboutan inch away, and asks again, “Honey, whats for dinner?”She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper,”The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony”
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.” “Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. Hed give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying outthe casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!”
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit. He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well,” explained the husband, “it all goes back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.” “We hadnt gone too far when my wifes mule stumbled. My wife quietly said Thats once. We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: Thats twice. We hadnt gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead.” “I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, Thats once.”
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunnedfor a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. “When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. “You know what?” “What, dear?” his wife asked gently. “I think you bring me bad luck.”
A family was having dinner on Mothers Day. For some reasonthe mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband askedwhat was wrong.”Nothing,” said the woman.Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, whats wrong?”"Do you really want to know? Well, Ill tell you. I have cookedand cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on MothersDay, you dont even tell me so much as “Thank you.”"Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gottena Fathers Day gift.”"Yes,” she said, “but Im their real mother.”
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Fatherasked, “Does this fellow have any money ?”The daughter shook her head sadly. “Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike.”sighing deeply, she replied, “Thats exactly what he asked me aboutyou.”
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses… one for each year of her life.That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-linedating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck andhe said hed quit — seems theyd matched him up with his wife.
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, “Can youloan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident.”The stranger says, “If you need two hundred dollars, what are youusing to gamble with?”The guy replies, “Oh, Ive got gambling money.”