After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex. Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom, young woman called the manager several times, but nothing happened. Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said, ” My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen.” “Oh, no,” the manager quickly replied. “The bathtub falls through the living room.”
A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, “He does it with a mirror” or “Hes got it up his sleeve.” The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with f uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. “Okay, I give up,” he squawked. “What did you do with the ship?”
A girl walked over to her neighbors for her morning chat session. When she got there, her neighbor remarked how tired she looked. “Yeah” she said, “I didnt sleep well last night, I had this really strange dream.” “Do tell” said her neighbor, pouring the coffee. “Well, I dreamed I woke up and went downstairs as usual, but when I looked in the mirror my face had turned orange, and my hair was sticking straight up out of my head and was green!” “Sounds like you turned into a punk rocker or something” the neighbor said, with a grin. “No” she said, “It wasnt like that. It was as if I knew something was wrong, but it seemed normal somehow, you know what I mean?” “Sure” said the neighbor, “Everybodys had dreams like that.” “Well anyway” she continued, “I decided to go down and get the mail, because even in my dream, I figured I must be dreaming, so what the heck if I was orange, you know? So I walk down and get my mail, and I keep feeling everybody looking at me! “Then I get a good look at myself in the big window in front of the store, and Ill be darned if I wasnt a carrot! It was such a shock I stumbled backwards and got hit by a truck driven by that nice doctor down the street. The last thing I remember before I woke up was him bending over me, telling me his diagnosis.” “Wow” laughed the neighbor, “Did you live?” “Yeah, I lived” sighed the girl, “But the doctor said Id be a vegetable the rest of my life.”
A gang of witches broke into a blood bank last night and stole a thousand pints of blood. Police are still hunting for the clots.
A Counselor saw a camper sitting alone. Why dont you play with your friends? he asked.Because I only have one friend, the girl replied. And I hate her.
A guy goes to a girls house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as hes standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.He picks it up, and as hes looking at it, she walks back in. He says “Whats this?”She says, “Oh, my fathers ashes are in there.”He goes, “Geez…oooh….I…”She says, “Yeah, hes too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, “Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric.” The husband replied, “How about a chair?!?”
A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, “He does it with a mirror” or “Hes got it up his sleeve.” The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with f uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. “Okay, I give up,” he squawked. “What did you do with the ship?”
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.”Its just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and Ill have to shower before I return home, because of the stink.”His friends at work agree: “Why dont you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else.”He looks at them, stunned: “You know, youre probably right, but I just cant give up the glamour of show business!”
A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, “how much did you pay for that?”"I paid through the nose!” he replied
A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, “Could you read my palm?” He shows his hand to her, and she says, “But…I cant read your hand.”"Why?” the man asks.”I dont understand your handwriting,” the woman replies.
A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. Im sorry, sir, said a cashier, the loan arranger is out to lunch. Can I speak to Tonto, then? asked the man.
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied “I just cant do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”
A monastery in the English countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work. Then one day two of the monks, who had been discussing the problem, suggested they open a fish and chips stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists. The other monks agreed, and the two put up the stand. One day a tourist who wanted to offer a compliment asked the monk on duty, “Are you the fish friar?” “No, sir,” retorted the brother, “Im the chip monk.”
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.” He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. nThey were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wifes dinner party!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time. He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said – “Come on guys, were almost there!”