A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.”"The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, Im not Saint Peter and second, you really dont know where you are at all, do you ?”
A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them How do you like it so far? The mouse replied Its great, but can I get a pair of roller skates? God said Sure, and he gave him a pair of roller skates. The next day God saw the cat and asked him How do you like it up here so far? and the cat replied Great, I didnt know you had meals on wheels up here!
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.The doctor said how hed healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.The engineer told how hed built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said “Youve already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven.”
A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc. Director thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is this good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie studio. The Director is confused. “Then whats the difference,” he asks. Satan smiles. “Well, in heaven they actually *make* movies.”
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret? Yes, the professor ansvered. When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now. Well, said the gatekeeper. That is a very minor sin. You may enter. Thank you very much, Saint Peter, the professor ansvered. Im am not Saint Peter, said the gatekeeper. He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him thats bad.Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, Im trying to help. Now think!” The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hells Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t hen went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”. “Wow”, said Peter, “Thats impressive. When did this happen”? “Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peters holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this s hack?”St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.”Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”. “OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”GOD says, “So you would like them.” “OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?” “So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?” GOD says, “So they would love you!”
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?”The man says, “Methodist.”St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?”"Baptist.”"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?”"Jewish.” “Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”St. Peter tells him, “Well the Jehovahs Witnesses are in room 8, and they think theyre the only ones here.
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. Come with me, said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. Wow, thank you, said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. Wait, I think you are a little mixed up, said the priest. Shouldnt I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached Gods word. Yes, thats true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religous man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause “God will grant him a miracle.”With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I dont know what youre c omplaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.”
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. “What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter”Public Practitioner,” is the reply.”Name?”He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.”Oh, yes. Weve been expecting you. Youve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.”How can that be?” says the accountant. “Im too young to go. Im only forty-eight”"No, thats impossible. “”Why do you say that?”"Well weve been looking at your time sheets and the hours youve charged your clients. By our reckoning youre at least ninety three.”