A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The ranchers prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldnt resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldnt have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went thr ough your ranch that morning. I didnt have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!” The old rancher replied, “Well, Ill tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field.Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.”
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.”You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why dont you rest a moment, and Ill give you a hand.”"No thanks,” said the young man.”My father wouldnt like it.”"Dont be silly,” the minister said.”Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and Ill give him a piece of my mind!”"Well,” replied the young farmer, “hes under the load of hay.”
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cows ear. The farmer didnt think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand.`Youll need to be fit, said the farmer. `Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?No, sir, replied the young man proudly. `But youre on crutches. You must have had an accident! said the farmer.`Oh, the crutches! said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week. But that wasnt an accident! He did it on purpose!
A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the mans work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!” A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, its a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!” “Yes, reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriffs office and said, “Youve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”"What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.”I dont care, just do something about those drivers!”So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSINGThree days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, “Youve got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go faster.”So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAYAnd that really sped them up. So the f armer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?”The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. “Hows the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy.” And he hung up the phone.The sheriff thought to himself, “Id better go to that farmers house and look at that sign… There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers.”So the sheriff drove out to the farmers house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And writte n in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. Shes not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: “Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?”The farmer writes back: “Honey, dont go near that field. Thats where all my guns are buried.”But, because he is in jail all of the farmers mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they dont find one single weapon.The farmer then writes to his wife: “Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes.”
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a strollin the fields when they came across a cow and acalf rubbing noses.”Boy,” said the farmer, “that sure makes me want todo the same.”"Well, go ahead,” said his girlfriend. “Its your cow.”
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.The farmer said, “Thats once.”A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.The farmer said, “Thats twice.”After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.The farmer didnt say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.His brand new bride yelled, telling him, “That was an awful thing to do.”The farmer said, “Thats once.”
A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.”Its pretty good Pa. The foods not bad, the works easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning.”
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p ig!
A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him “Hey-come over hear buddy”. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks”Were you talking to me”? The horse replies”Sure was, man Ive got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and Im sick of it. Why dont you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. Ill make you some money cause I can still run.” The jogger thought to himself,”boy a talking horse” Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer”Hey man Ill give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag youve got in the field”. The farmer replies”Son you cant believe anything that horse says-Hes never even been to Kentucky.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, youre the tenth car Ive helped out of the mud today.” The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?” “No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”