A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns “take off.” Then he learnes “zebra” from the zoo and “baby” from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, Mommy, I learned new words today. She says, “Great, honey what did you learn?” He says, Takeoffzebrababy!
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. “What part?” the mother asked.”I play a Jewish husband,” the boy replied. “Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, “Whats your name and address?” “Im Paddy ODay, of no fixed address.” The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. “Im Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns “take off.” Then he learnes “zebra” from the zoo and “baby” from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, Mommy, I learned new words today. She says, “Great, honey what did you learn?” He says, Takeoffzebrababy!
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play. “What part?” the mother asked.”I play a Jewish husband,” the boy replied. “Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!”
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, “Whats your name and address?” “Im Paddy ODay, of no fixed address.” The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. “Im Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak…”woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.” “Thats amazing” exclaimed the father. “You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground”? “No”, said the old tribesman. “They just ran over me five minutes ago”!
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now weve caught you and were going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then were going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, its horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?” And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. Why did you do that?asked the other men. We have plenty of fine wine in France, said the man. Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. Why did you do that? asked the other men. We have plenty of cigars in Cuba, said the Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throw him off the cliff. What did you do that for? asked the French man. We have plenty of Cubans in America, answered the American man.
A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures hell spend about 3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response:”Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, Ill giveyou two dollars. Everybody wins.”
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.During one battle, The French captured an English major.Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.The French general asked, “Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Dont you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?” In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood wont show and the men they are leading wont panic.And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization. Ghandi replied, I think it would be a good idea.
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command (“Jump!”).In a first stage of experiment he removed fleas leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: “Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.”So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: “Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.”Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: “Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.”Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: “Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing”
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, Theres a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy. The Scot is not impressed and says, Thats nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five. At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says Thats nothing. In Dublin theres this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you. The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies No, but my sister told me about it.