A baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup. “Remember,” the doctor said, “dont get excited, dont get mad, and forget about baseball when youre off the field.” Then he added, “By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run on second and two men out in the ninth?”Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next.
A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, “Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin.”
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.”Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.”Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.”Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”"OH MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.”Doctor,” says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. “Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?”"I dont see why not,” replies the doctor.”Thats funny,” says the man. “I wasnt able to play it before.”
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.”You arent so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.”What took you so long to answer?”"I was in bed.”"What were you doing in bed this late?”"Getting a second opinion.”
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!Nurse: What is it?Doctor: Its a big building with a lot of doctors, but thats not important now!
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, “I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.”The receptionist asks, “Have you ever seen a doctor?” and the man replies, “No, just spots.”
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him “How are you feeling?” The man replies “Not BAAAAD!”
A man walks into a doctors office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.”Whats the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.The doctor replies, “Youre not eating properly.”
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didnt help.On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt do any good.On his third visit the doctor told the man, “Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.”"But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, Ill get pneumonia.”"I know,” said the doctor, “I can cure pneumonia.”
A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.
A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. “Doctor, youve got to help me!” he wailed. “What seems to be the trouble?” asked the doctor. “I keep having the same dream, night after night. Theres this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I cant get it open.” “What does the sign say?” asked the Doctor. “Pull,” said the patient.
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. “This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.”
A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, “How is she?” The nurse replied, “Oh, shes quite dopey.” One of the friends said, “We know that, but how is she healthwise?”
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.”Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.”You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.”What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”Dentist: $100.00.Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.