Funny Junk » Funny Divorce Jokes

A Friend Of Mine Just Got Divorced

admin — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:42:31 +0000

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split thehouse. He got the outside.

A Guy Walks Into a Laundry

admin — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 06:33:37 +0000

A guy walks into a laundry run by cats. “Excuse me”, he said tothe cat in charge, “Can you get milk stains out?” “Sure,” repliedthe cat. “Well have that stain licked in a minute!”

A Hillbilly Walked Into An Attorneys Office

admin — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:06:48 +0000

A hillbilly walked into an attorneys office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: “May I help you?” Hillbilly: “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces”. Attorney: “Well do you have any grounds?” Hillbilly: “Yea, I got about a hundred acres.” Attorney: “No, you dont understand, do you have a case?” Hillbilly: “No, I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” Attorney: “I mean, do you have a grudge?” Hillbilly: “Yea, I got a grudge. Thats where I park my John Deere.” Attorney: “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” Hillbilly: “Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.” Attorney: “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” Hillbilly: “No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.” Attorney: “Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?” Hillbilly: “No shes a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger . Thats why I want this dayvorce.”

A Judge Was Interviewing

admin — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:29:04 +0000

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I dont want a divorce,” she replied. “Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me!”

A Husband And Wife Were Having Dinner

admin — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:01:32 +0000

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says shell see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that?” “Oh,” replies the husband, “shes my mistress.” “Well, thats the last straw,” says the wife. “Ive had enough, I want a divorce.” “I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Whos that woman with Jim? ” asks the wife. “Thats his mistress,” says her husband. “Ours is prettier,” she replies.

A Man Appears Before a Judge One Day

admin — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 05:42:58 +0000

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,”Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”"Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.”The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that?What is the big deal about a two-story house?”The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is I have a headache and the other story is Its that time of the month.

Jewish Guy Is Out To Dinner With His Wife

admin — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 04:02:10 +0000

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.” He says, “I wasnt planning on spending that much.”

A Married Couple

admin — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:50:39 +0000

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, “I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there an ything you want?” The husband says, “No, Ive got everything I need right here.” She asks, “Whats that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “Ive got the airbag!”

A Ninety Year Old Couple

admin — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 04:09:12 +0000

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, “Judge, we want a divorce.” The judge says, “Youve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?” The couple say in unison, “Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”

An Elderly Man In Phoenix

admin — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 04:35:33 +0000

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We cant stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says “Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell theyre getting divorced,” she shouts, “Ill take care of this.” She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back, and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif e. “Okay,” he says, “theyre coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?”