A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”
A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, “Have you got any books about committing suicide?”The librarian said, “Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf.”The chap came back a few moments later and said, “I cant find any at all.”The librarian replied, “Yes, its awful. They never bring em back!”
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted “Avalanche!” The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted “Flood!” and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted “Fire!”
A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, “Have you got any books about committing suicide?”The librarian said, “Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf.”The chap came back a few moments later and said, “I cant find any at all.”The librarian replied, “Yes, its awful. They never bring em back!”
A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wifes wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: “No, you cant have those! Theyre for the funeral!”
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. “There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!” “Oh, my God!” says his friend. “Surely he must have died!” “Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!”
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friends wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate.”Jack”, says the man, “Your wife just died yesterday!!” His friend looks up and says, “In this grief, do you think I know what Im doing?”
A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, “Look, Im sorry but Im going to have to throw the switch in a minute.” The man said, “Do me a favor and throw it out the window!”
A monster and a zombie went into a funeral home. Id like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died, said the monster. Certainly maam, said the undertaker, but there was really no need to bring her with you.
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked theguy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, “Yes, thatsmy wifes seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead.” The fan offered his sympathy and said it was reallytoo bad he couldnt find some relative to give the ticket to so they couldenjoy the game together… “Oh no,” the guy said, “theyre all at the funeral.”
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. Afterthe editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then,let it read Fred Brown died.”Confounded at the womans thrift, the editor stammers that thereis a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, Fred Browndied: 1983 Pick-up for sale.”
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for herhusbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husbandto be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suitthat hes wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blankcheck to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffinand he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director howmuch she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thinghappened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this onewearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, andasked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried ina black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched theheads.”
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didnt remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them.”His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”