A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about Gods existence. The professor presented the following logic:”Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.”Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.”Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold students response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:”Has anyone in this class heard our professors brain?” Silence.”Has anyone in this class touched our professors brain?” Silence.”Has anyone in this class seen our professors brain?” When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”You cant argue with that!
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: “Is this a question?” – Discuss. After a short time he wrote: “If that is a question, then this is an answer.” The student received an “A” on the exam. A Boston brokerage house advertised for a “young Harvard graduate or the equivalent.” Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, “Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?”
A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new.”An old flame? I asked.He winked and said, “More like an unlit match.”
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, “Sure, sweetie. Ill will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”"Uhh, oh yeah, okay,” responded the kid.So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.When she gets back, her husband asked, “Well how much did you give the boy his time?”She said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him.”"Thats $1020!” yelled her husband. Are you crazy?”"Dont worry, Hon,” she said. “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!”
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded. “Professors havent got bad memories,” he declared. “Theyre not absent-minded. Dont you think I know where I am right now, and dont you think tomorrow Ill know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?” “Yes,” said another guest. “Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?” “Good!” said the professor. “I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question.”
A survey was being taken on the University of Arizona campus. The survey taker asked a soccer player, “What do you think of bilingualism?” “Oh, I think its okay,” said the boy, “if its between consenting adults.”
A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: Thats great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Heres a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!”What else do you have?” asks the student.”Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment.” He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.”I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know … mat h always was a little hard to swallow.”
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Buds trailer house, Bud asked, “What is the usual tip?”"Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, Ill be doing great.”"Is that so?” snorted Bud. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, heres five dollars.”"Thanks,” replied the youth, “Ill put this in my school fund.”"What are you studying?” asked Bud.The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”
All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done. One night Grady heard a noise under his bed. Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered, “Anybody there?” “No,” said the burglar. “Thats funny,” the boy said to himself. “I could have sworn I heard a noise!”
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. “Tell me,” inquired the interviewer, “where do you expect to be ten years from now?”"Well, lets see,” replied the student. “Its Wednesday afternoon. I guess Ill be on the golf course by now.”
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.”Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest, pulled out his tie and wet his pants.
Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student: When you cant get your jeans over your thighs.