A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! Im paralyzed! I cant get up!” He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. Youre kneeling on one of your tits.”
A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, its all in my head and I want you to lower it.
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says “Open wide.” “I cant” replies the blonde, “the chairs fitted with arms.”
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how shed do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said “Your swing is good but youre gripping the club too hard – grip the club gently as you would your husbands penis.” The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said “That was excellent! Lets try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth.”
A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver “I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!”
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do “69″. “What the hell is that?” asks the guy. Realizing hes inexperienced, she tries to explain,”I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine.” Still not knowing what shes talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart. “What was that for?” he asks. “Oops! Sorry, lets try it again.” she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. “Wait, where are you going?” she asks. The guy says, ” If you think Im sticking around for 67 more of those, youre crazy!
A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to amarriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning andlistening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.He looked at the man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least oncea day!”The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “OK, what time do you wantme to bring her back tomorrow?”
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his househe found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried andgathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find herin the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasntbeen home for so long.She replied:”These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.”The husband answered:”But its only been two days what do u mean a week?”"I am only here to get something to eat.”
A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year- old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. “A police car has just called at the Hamiltons house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchells are having sex.” Hearing this, the boys parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?” “Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth… and on the back: …and I will fill your cavity.
A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. “Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you cant afford to lose, you shouldnt bet.”
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minuteslater, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutesafter that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “Whats all thescreaming about in there? Youre scaring the customers!” “Im just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,somethingcomes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says… “You idiot!” “Youre sitting on the mop bucket!
A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porchtogether, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,”Grandpa, can I have a beer?” Grandpa replied, “Can your dick touch yourass?”The little boy answered no.Grandpa said “Then youre not man enough to have a beer.”A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, “Grandpa,can I have a cigar?” Once again, Grandpa asked, “Can your dick touch yourass?” The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, “Then your not manenough to have a cigar.” A little later, the little boy came out of thehouse With a cookie.Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?”The boy asked “Can your dick touch your ass?”Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!” The boy replied,”Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me.”
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didnt want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, “Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got.”
A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes acrossa very old bottle. Hes just dusting it off when two rather tired lookinggenies pop out “Two genies!” he exclaims. “That must mean six wishes!”"Sorry, buddy, its three or nuthin,” say the genies, “and hurry up”.The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if theyvebeen granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he findsthe most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed andwalks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck.Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it,when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal thatthey are, in fact, the two genies, bot h looking rather puzzled.The first genie turns to the second and says, “I can understand thebeautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to behung like a black man?”