A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for. One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of duty the night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the report HAD to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to Division Headquarters.As he got to the gate, the XO stopped him. In a very sarcastic voice he said, “Arent we paying our drivers a lot these days?”The NCO, without missing a beat re plied, “Not at all, Sir, when you consider what we are paying gate guards.”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audiencewould bedifferent each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the sametricks over and overagain. There was only one problem: The captains parrot saw the showseach week andbegan to understand how the magician did every trick. Once heunderstood he startedshouting in the middle of the show: “Look, its not the same hat”"Look, he is hiding theflowers under the table” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magicianwas furious but couldnt do anything; it was, after all, the captainsparrot.One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himselfon a piece of woodin the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared ateach other with hate,but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another andanother.After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Wheres the boat?”
A magician was employed by a Shipping Line to entertain the passengers during cruises. The captain owned a parrot which always insisted on being part of the acts put on by the magician. He would perch on the edge of the stage and screech, “He does it with a mirror” or “Hes got it up his sleeve.” The magician was furious, but since the bird was a favorite with the captain and he was anxious to retain his position for future cruises, he maintained an angry silence.One evening as the magician worked, the parrot continued to harass the unfortunate man. Sadly the ship ran into a mine which had become detached from the sea floor after a storm. The explosion tore the bow off the ship which sank within a few minutes. Amid the wreckage and the lifeboats, the magician sat on one end of a table from the first class dining room. At the other end sat the parrot, dirty and disheveled, his feathers caked with f uel oil. For some time they eyed each other malevolently saying nothing. Finally the parrot shook himself and advanced across the table. He fixed the magician with a beady eye. “Okay, I give up,” he squawked. “What did you do with the ship?”
A mafiosos son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mothers room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…”
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and hes stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”And the minister says, “Just water.”The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?”And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, Hes done it again!”
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.During one battle, The French captured an English major.Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him.The French general asked, “Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Dont you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?” In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood wont show and the men they are leading wont panic.And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. “These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!” bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. “These pigs are all worthless now! Ill get nothing for them!” yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. “Worthless sheep!” screams the farmer and wit h that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. “Are you okay down there?” asked the farmer. “NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!” the tourist yelled back.
A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree. Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree. The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree. “OK guys, the tree is 14 6.” He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two botanists are stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other ,”How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width.”
A local United Way office realized that it had neverreceived a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The personin charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.”Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to thecommunity in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment andreplied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dyingafter a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times herannual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…no.”"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to awheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out anapology but was interrupted, “-or that my sisters husband died in atraffic accident,” the lawyers voice rising in indignation, “leavingher penniless with three children?” The humiliated United Way rep,completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…” On a roll, thelawyer cut him off once again: “-so if I dont give any money to them,why should I give any to you?”
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before its too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. “Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says bridge out instead?”
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. “You just wont believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force Ive never seen anything like it.” “Oh yes dear, what happened ?” “I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.” “Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?” “Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster thanthe posted speed limit. Since hes in a good mood that day he decidesto give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of aticket. So, he asks the man his name.”Fred,” he replies. Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds.When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him thathe used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.”Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?”The man replies, “Its a long story so stay with me. I was born FredDingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I gotolder I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I wasFred Dingaling, MD.After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back toschool. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, gotmy degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got bored doingdentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD.So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found outabout the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MDwith VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDSbecause of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me asFred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so nowIm just Fred.”
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I cant hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still cant give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual”. The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow”.
A Load of Old Rubbishby Stefan Nonsense
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, “You can go home now.”