A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.”I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.”What do you mean?” he asked.”Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.”Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “but I just couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”"What on earth do you mean???”"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!
A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,”Im sorry sir, but I cant serve you…youve already had too much to drink.” The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,”Im sorry, sir…but I cant serve you…youve already had too much to drink!” Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man…”Im really sorry, sir, but youve had too much to drink…youre going to have to leave!” The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at?!!!”
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, “Thats not good,” and promised he wouldnt say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.” She paused and said, “Yes?”The bird said, “You know.”
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldnt find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”The stock boy replied, “No maam, theyre dead.”
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.But it also lit up her arm, too!Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, “My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.”
A lady walks into the dentists office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. “You must have made a mistake” says the shocked dentist, “The gynecologists office is one level higher.” To that the lady replies, “No mistake, you installed my husbands dentures last week, now youll be the one getting them out.”
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves,”What are you doing in there?” she asked.The rabbit replied, “This is a Westinghouse, isnt it?”The lady confirmed, “Yes.” “Well,” the rabbit said, “Im westing.
A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. “Howare we faring?” asked the king. “Sire!” replied the knight, “I have been robbingand pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to thewest.” “What?” shrieked the king, “I dont have any enemies to the west!” “Oh!”said the knight, “Well, you do now.”
A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. Whats the matter? she asked. Its my birthday! he hollered. And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon theres to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . . and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. But thats lovely, said the old lady. Why are you crying? Because Im lost!
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children whilethey were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork.As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she askedwhat the drawing was.The girl replied, “Im drawing God.”The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girlreplied, “They will in a minute.”
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. His mom said, “Sure, sweetie. Ill will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”"Uhh, oh yeah, okay,” responded the kid.So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.When she gets back, her husband asked, “Well how much did you give the boy his time?”She said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him.”"Thats $1020!” yelled her husband. Are you crazy?”"Dont worry, Hon,” she said. “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!”
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think theyll go?”The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?” She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.” “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?” “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded. “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?” “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents.” He said, “Do you have a real grudge?” “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.” “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?” “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.” “Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?” “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.” Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?” “Oh, I dont want a divorce,” she replied. “Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me!”
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several yearsbefore the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walkedabout 10 feet behind their husbands.She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walkedseveral yards behind their wives.She approached one of the women for an explanation. “This ismarvelous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achievethis reversal of roles?”Replied the Kuwaiti woman: “Land mines”