A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guys photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.”Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didnt come after all.”
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?Dating children.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme?” she asked. “Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.” “Is that a record?” she inquired. “I dont think so,” replied the man, “but its as close as I want to get.”
A woman just back from Arizona was telling her friends about the trip. “When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a mile,” she said.”Why, was he disappointed with the view?”"No, he fell over the edge.”
A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man “I cant believe what Im seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!” The man replied “Nah lady this cats not clever at all Im beating it 6 games to 1″
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, Ill do it myself,” and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what are you mad about?” says, “If you dont know Im not going to tell you.”
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The bus driver said: “Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen.”In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.”The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.The man sympathized and said: “Why, hes a public servant and shouldnt say things to insult passengers.”"Youre right,” she said. “I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”"Thats a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
A woman got a problem with her closet door – it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. “OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me” and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: “What the hell are you doing here!”Repairman:”Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!”
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. Afterthe editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then,let it read Fred Brown died.”Confounded at the womans thrift, the editor stammers that thereis a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,counts on her fingers and replies, “In that case, Fred Browndied: 1983 Pick-up for sale.”
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for herhusbands funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husbandto be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldnt it just be easier to bury him in the black suitthat hes wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blankcheck to buy one.When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffinand he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director howmuch she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didnt cost anything. The funniest thinghappened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this onewearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, andasked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried ina black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched theheads.”
A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. “Congratulations,” said the nurse, “but dont you think this is enough?” The woman replied, “Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year.”
A woman entered a psychiatrists consulting room leadind a kangaroo.”Im worried about my husband, doctor, ” she said. “He keeps thinking hes a kangaroo! ”
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.” “But you are not wearing any of those things.” “I know,” she said. “Its in case I should die before my husband. Im sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband,Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, “We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us alittle clue.”The woman said, “My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I everslept with another man hed turn over in his grave.”Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. “Take her to Turning Walter!”
A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”