An 8th grade boy was doing some research for his career report at school. He asks his dad, “Father, how many wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government?”"The honest father replies, “Oh, I would say at least half of em.”
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how hes feeling. “Ive never been better!” he replies. “Ive got an 18-year-old bride whos pregnant and having my child! Whatdo you think about that?”The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy whos an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day hes in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.”"So hes in the woods,” the doctor continues, “and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest.”"Thats impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear,” the man said.”Exactly.”
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, “Where are you going?” He replies, “To the kitchen.” She asks, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replies, “Sure.” She then asks him, “Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He says, “No, I can remember that.” She then says, “Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know youll forget that.” He says, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replies, “Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.” With irritation in his voice, he says, “I dont need to write that down, I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “You forgot my toast.”
Americas oldest lady was 115 years old today, and she hasnt got a grey hair on her head. How come? Shes completely bald.
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastalMexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fintuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality ofhis fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didnt he stay out longer andcatch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his familysimmediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest ofhis time. The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little,play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine andplay guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life,senor.” The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could helpyou. You should spend more time fis hing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from thebigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling yourcatch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You wouldcontrol the product, processing and distribution. “You would need to leave this small coastal fishing villageand move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where youwill run your expanding enterprise.” The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will thisall take?” To which the American replied, “15-20 years.” “But what then, senor?” asked the Mexican. The American laughed, and said, “Thats the best part! Whenthe time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. Youll become very rich, youwould make millions!” “Millions, senor?” replied t he Mexican. “Then what?” The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a smallcoastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish alittle, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sipwine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping trips? Chihuahua: I like to “ruff it!
Alsation: What is your favorite holiday? Chihuahua: Howloween!
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you? Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
Alsation: Ill see you shortly. Chihuahua: Okay, but dont call me “Shortly!”
Alsation: How did you find the fleas? Beagle: I didnt! They found me!
Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: Its the leash I can do!
All You Need to Know about Explosives by Dinah Mite
All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done. One night Grady heard a noise under his bed. Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered, “Anybody there?” “No,” said the burglar. “Thats funny,” the boy said to himself. “I could have sworn I heard a noise!”
All our pigs are learning karate. Oh, I dont believe that No? Well, just watch out for their chops.
All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.One guy asked, “If our chute doesnt open, and the reserve doesnt open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest of your life.”