A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”
A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.”Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess Ill need a double room for the night.”Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. “Whats the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “Ive only been here one night!”"Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”
A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, “Water…”.A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, “I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?” With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.”You fool,” gasped the man. “Im dying! I need water!”"Well, sir,” replied the bedouin, “If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some.”Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, “May I help you sir?”"Water…” was the feeble reply.”Oh, sir,” replied the bedouin, “Im sorry, but you cant come in here without a tie!”
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and anolder gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showingthe glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had agood week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him arare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I wont take no for an answer.” He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. “Andhow did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly. “The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “Ive come to thank you.But, one th ing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the roomwith?”
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.She said, “Im Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.”As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but dont let me catch you speeding again.”
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to “The Unknown Soldier”. At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: “Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg”.The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name.The resident replied, “As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant-Oy! He was something.”
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. “Is it true,” he asked, “that an alligator wont attack you if you carry a flashlight?”"That depends,” replied the guide, “on how fast you carry the flashlight.”
tourist walked into a fish and chip shop in Ireland. “Ill have fish and chips twice,” he orders. “Sure, I heard you the first time,” came the reply.
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!” “OK,” the man says, “You take the front and I`ll take the back.”
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.The local person replies, “Oh, that is Beethoven. Hes decomposing.”
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look friend, dont EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologizes and says he didnt realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – Ive been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
A tourist from the United States of America is at a resturantin Havana. He tells the waiter that the USA is the bestcountry in the world because of the freedoms it has. He says,”Take Freedom of Speech for example. I could stand in frontof the White House in Washington D.C. and yell PresidentClinton is a bastard! and nothing would be done to me.” TheCuban waiter replies, “We have that same freedom in Cuba. Icould stand in front of El Capital and yell the same thing andnothing would be done to me too!”
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC. He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, “Listen, Im going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?” “What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?” “Well no,” the tourist said, “I didnt realize that. But listen, Im really in a bind so Im going to have to trust you anyway.”
A tourist asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?”"No, I am an undercover detective.”"So why are you in uniform?”"Today is my day off.”
A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.”The judgell kill me. Trying to bribe him! Were dead!”"I dont think so,” his attorney told him. “I sent it in the other lawyers name!”