A Boy With An Elephant

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, “You know you really need help””Yes I do”, said the elephant, “get this kid off my foot !”

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A Boy Went to a Halloween

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. “Are you here as a ghost?” asked his friends. “No,” he replied, “Im an unmade bed.” Another boy wore a sheet over his head. “Are you an unmade bed?” asked his friends. “No, Im an undercover agent,” he replied.

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Woman Walks Into Butcher

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, “Thank Heavens I’ve made it in time! Have you any turkey?” The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.

“Ah, haven’t you anything bigger?” the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.

“Marvelous!” says the woman. “I’ll have both of them please.”

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Police Officer Calls

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

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Fifty Cents

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew,” the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”
“You would be too if you had what I have.”
“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.
“Fifty cents.”

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Time For Pig Joke

On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.

“Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the city slicker, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”

“Time?” said the farmer. “What does time matter to a pig?

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A Lawyer Opened the Door

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex?

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The Classified ad said

The classified ad said, “Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience.”

The man who won the job asked, “I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why ‘one armed’?”

The CEO answered, “I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase ‘on the other hand’.”

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Frog Goes Into Bank

A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer. Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, “What do you have for collateral?” The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant. Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, “I dont know. Im going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this.” He goes into Mr. Larsons office and comes back. Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says, “Its a knick-knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan!”

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A Boy Was Assigned

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, “How was I born?””Well honey…” said the slightly prudish mother, “the stork brought you to us.””Oh,” said the boy, “and how did you and daddy get born?””Oh, the stork brought us too.””Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” the boy persisted.”Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasnt been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

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A Boy Sat on a Train

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, Its no good you talking to me, young man, Im stone deaf !

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A Boy is in a Prison Cell

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out ?Through the doorway – there were no doors remember

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A Boy is in a Prison Cell

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out ?Through the doorway – there were no doors remember

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A Boy is About to Go on His First Date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boys nervousness builds.He remembers his fathers advice, and chooses the first topic.He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his fathers suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his fathers advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a br other, would he like spinach?”

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A Boy From France

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns “take off.” Then he learnes “zebra” from the zoo and “baby” from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, Mommy, I learned new words today. She says, “Great, honey what did you learn?” He says, Takeoffzebrababy!

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